Top 10 ways to know you are dating a consultant:
10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period".
9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
8. Takes a half-day at the office because "Sunday is YOUR day".
7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
6. Tries to call room service from the bedroom.
5. Ends any argument by saying, "Let's talk about this offline".
4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
3. Can't be trusted with the car (too accustomed to beating up rentals).
2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points.
1. Refers to those "intimate moments" as "win-win situations".
Top 10 reasons why prostitution is better than consulting:
10. You get to choose your clients.
9. Hotel and other expenses are directly billed.
8. You actually receive that high hourly rate clients are paying for you.
7. No dress code.
6. Close client interaction at all times.
5. You are working nights anyway.
4. Finally a way to fit exercise into a tight schedule.
3. Continual feedback - every two hours or so.
2. Not tied down working with a team (unless you want to be).
1. Either way you are screwing clients.
Top 10 things a consultant shouldn't tell a client:
10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.
9. You should see the hotel I'm staying at.
8. Hey, I just realised that I was in junior high when you started working here.
7. I like this office space. I'll have them put me here when you're gone.
6. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving.
5. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.
4. So what do you need me to tell you?
3. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.
2. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three month project.
1. What are you, stupid?
Top 10 things you shouldn't say at a consulting interview:
10. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of person.
9. Do you pay overtime?
8. I hate flying.
7. I'm useless without ten hours of sleep a night.
6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.
5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?
4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.
3. I think three-letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases.
2. Two words: family first.
1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.
Top 10 ways to know you've got the consulting bug:
10. Can't stop using words that don't exist.
9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer points wins.
8. Use so much jargon is conversation, friends think that you're speaking a foreign language.
7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.
5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.
4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by-two matrix.
3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.
2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert.
1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience.
Top 10 things you'll never hear from a consultant:
10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6. Actually the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay to me.